Friday, December 25, 2009

Identity Issue

It’s official, the Lord has brought my 9 months of consecration unto Him in the NightWatch to a close. He has brought me full circle experimenting with how to live my life before Him. Even though I feel like this season of my life has come to a close, I feel like my journey in this new revelation of how to walk forward in my christian faith has only just begun. That like David, I have taken the time through the mundane of life to figure out it all comes down to Love! I have the empowerment and ability to walk through this life because of this simple yet SO profound truth, “I am Loved by God, and a Lover of God, therefore , I AM SUCCESSFUL! No longer, if I walk in this truth, will I be the judge of myself, because it’s not about what I think (I’m Sinful) He alone is the only one that can Judge me in Righteousness and Truth! I will walk in Freedom of no longer being bound by what people think, because I will be consumed by the thoughts of the Bridegroom God that is ravished by one glance of my eye, or that tiny ‘Yes’ of my heart! I will walk forward in the power of His Sanctifying Grace, because I will realize that it’s not by my Righteousness that I’m saved, but by Grace, and Grace alone. That my strivings in the Pursuit of Righteousness is found as filthy rags if I do not come to the realization that it’s by His Unfailing, Unending Love that I am saved, and continue to be saved from the Pits of Hell! No matter what my striving of Righteousness may succumb to, I will never increase upon the amount of Love and Enjoyment the Lord has over my life! The only thing that will change on this journey of Sanctification is my understanding of enjoyment found in Him! That as I continue to break off sin’s grip, I will become more of Christ’s likeness, therefore my friendship with Him develops all the more, and I am now able to feel the enjoyment over my life more because I have made one step closer to walking as He did. Making my communion with Him increase and became closer knit with Him, it DOES NOT INCREASE HIS LOVE TOWARDS ME IN ANY WAY! BECAUSE JOHN 17 SAYS THAT HE ALREADY LOVES ME TO THE FULLEST OF HIS GODLY CAPACITY! The love of the Father cannot be increased upon in any measure, ZILCH, ZERO, NONE! So why do we think we can increase in His enjoyment over us by our strivings of Righteousness!? The only thing that is going to increase is our ability to be able to feel His love and enjoyment over us. In this reality we have to be found as ones that place our sole identify, the only thing that drives us forward in being, “Loved by God, and being a Lover of God, therefore Successful!” Then we get a reality that we had VERY, VERY, little to do with our coming to love Him. Because when we were lost in our lifestyle of hating Him, and selling ourselves to the sinful desires of our wicked hearts, He was pursuing us, Loving us with the same infinite amount of love then, as He has for us now! When we were dead in the wickedness of our flesh He chose to demonstrate the greatest gift of Love, the giving of His life! Just for the chance, the smallest tiny chance that we would say ‘Yes’ to His love. His infinite Love then that lead Him to the cross is still very real, and very much the same today. He does not change yesterday, today, and forever more! Our walking in 100% obedience and in an identity of a lover of Christ actually brings His love to fullness, because now He can enjoy us! The fullness of His love and enjoyment over us could not be over our lives until we chose to come into alignment of the pursuit of Holiness, because it would go against the very nature of Love! He can love someone that is in sin, but He CANNOT enjoy them or take delight in them in that place. The definition laid forth in 1st Corinthians 13:6 “Love does not rejoice at wrongdoings (sin), but rejoices with the truth.” states right there that Love cannot rejoice (delight) in sin! It can’t, it goes against the law of love. Last time I checked “God is Love” 1st John 4:8, therefore God cannot delight himself in someone that is living in opposition of pursuing 100% obedience! This does not go against the “Dark Yet Lovely” principle from Song of Solomon 1:5. Because we are all sinful in nature, we are only transformed by the power of His love to choose Righteousness over wickedness out of a motive of choosing to love Him, and Him alone. Even when we stumble and give into that besetting sin that we have been fighting for so long, we are still enjoyed by God if we are choosing to make war against that issue, and not let it become something we agree with.

Picture it this way, You’re in a boxing match, and your opponent throw’s a quick little fake so you expecting the right hook, get smacked in the face when you weren’t expecting the left hook to come across and mess you up. You took a shot, true, but you didn’t lose. It’s your ability to stand and continue to make war against this opponent. You might even get knocked off your feet every once in a while, but it’s the resolve in your heart that you’re not going to get knocked out or give up in the fight! As long as you keep fighting, YOU’RE WINNING! So when that sin creeps its ugly head up, and even if you mess up and indulge yourself in it, as long as you repent, bring it into the light and tell the Lord that you still want to pursue Him in love, THEN YOU WIN! That small ‘Yes’ in your heart is what the Lord loves and enjoys. When you bring all that you know you are struggling with into the light, you are pursuing the Lord in 100% obedience. Once again, even if you stumble, if you repent and put it before the Lord, you are still pursuing 100% obedience, and the Lord takes full delight in you! Now the moment you stop making war against these issues, and just settle that it’s just to difficult to pursue the Lord in obedience, that’s when He can’t enjoy you anymore. Once again, coming back to the fact that “Love does not rejoice (delight) in wrongdoings (sin), but rejoices (delights) with the truth (righteousness).”

For some reason we get this idea in our head that when we mess up that the Lord is standing in heaven with His arms crossed looking at us like we’re stupid, telling us we need to get it together. For some people that’s what comes to mind everytime they think of God and that is a false thinking pattern. God is so kind, merciful, and loving, “He delights in mercy” Micah 7:18. That is amazing to me. That when we mess up, we repent and ask Him for forgiveness, that He is actually happy and excited to give it!!! This is such a good picture for me. That we are all like infants learning to walk in different areas of our lives. We are pursuing a holy lifestyle and for some we’re just that little toddler that is crawling around and building up our strength so that one day we can start standing. For others they are standing already and trying to take their first steps. And still for others they have learned to take steps and are even starting to run around. Now what does any earthly father do when their son or daughter falls while trying to walk. He runs to them picks them up, loves them, and encourages them! What dad when their 1 year old kid falls trying to walk runs over and yells at them while their on the ground telling them that they’re never going to get it right, you just keep failing, you’ll never be enough. NONE, it’s a 1 year old baby! Then why do we see God that way? He’s the best Father there could ever be!!!

Jesus portrays the ultimate bridegroom of love, in that He was pursuing me with perfect love when I was living not only in my grotesque sin, but in hatred towards Him. When I was in this place He passionately pursued me with perfect love! He loved me unconditionally! He was long-suffering, pursuing me through all my wickedness. It even led Him to the cross! With every stroke that He was beaten, He had me in mind thinking that I would be worth it all! That if I said yes and came to the knowledge of Him it would be worth it all! But it didn’t stop there! Even now He is in heaven making intercession on behalf of those that are still choosing wickedness. He gave His life, and He’s still pouring Himself out in the longing that He might be able to marry them! When the people that He so dearly loves give themselves away to lesser things of this world, He is still crying out to them, asking for their hand in marriage! Everytime His people choose to give themselves to sexual perversion, love of money, pride, love of possessions, alcohol, drugs, careers...etc. He still pursues them in perfect love! He is still declaring to them that He longs to make this people His bride! “And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord!” Hosea 2:19-20 This is all done in His extravagant love for us as His people, so that we might have fellowship with Him! If we let our identities be found as lovers, then we will be able to walk in humility and power, as Jesus did. Because He knew from where He had come, and to where He was going (John 13:3)! He was able to operate and do the will of the Father, because He was free from every other influencing factor. Because He knew what His status was before the Father was, nothing else could stand in His way. It’s an Identity Issue! If we only knew the success we had in the Fathers eyes as being loved by Him, and being lovers of Him, we would live our lives drastically differently in every area of life. We would finally be free to operate in the move of the Spirit because we would know our identity before the Father, and wouldn’t have a fear of moving in the supernatural!

That was a mouthful. But God is Good =)

Be Blessed,


Monday, December 14, 2009

Just been Thinking about Love

I look around me and find that at the end of the day there are very few things that truly satisfy me. This last year I’ve really found that the Lord has been shaving out of my life slowing all the excess “things” that I had for so many years tried to replace His love with. The the superior pleasures truly only come from above. I’ll find myself doing different things throughout the week; reading a good book, writing a nice letter, watch a movie with friends, go out to eat with friends, play sports...etc. But I’ve found that nothing really satisfies my heart like the way the Lord does when I take time to spend time in His presence letting Him love me. Lately I’ve been practicing while in the Prayer Room to just sit before Him and pray to myself, “I’m loved by God, and a lover of God, therefore I’m successful.” Let all the accusations come against me, deny them, and say it again. “I’m loved by God, and a lover of God, therefore I’m successful.” Once again, repeat process. And maybe do that for 15 minutes to a half hour, and just let the Lord come and speak the way He feels about me. The way He moves my heart is unlike anything I can find in this world. The spiritual high I get after walking away from sitting in His presence is better than any fake substitute this world could offer me. A scripture that I’ve fallen in love with since being here in KC is, “Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His Word, for Your love is better than wine.” Song of Solomon 1:2 Inviting the Lord to come and invade my little life with his all consuming, never ending love. Letting his love come and satisfy my heart more than any intoxication of this world.

This past week I was sitting in the Prayer Room before the Lord just sharing with him my commitment to Him, and how I had chose to serve Him, and that I would never choose another. And so clearly the Lord just spoke back to me out of Hosea 2:19-20. The Lord spoke to my heart and said, “You think that you’ve committed yourself to me, but actually I’ve been the one pursuing you the whole time. That while you were in your sin, while you were choosing the lesser pleasures of life, I was searching you out. While you sold yourself for the cheap things of this life, I was offering you a ring to come and marry me, and run away from all the cheap counterfeits. That when you had made yourself a prostitute for money and the wine of this world, I called you beautiful and pure.” He just painted this picture in my head of how yet I was His enemy, He loved me, and died for me! I could just picture myself as a bum on the side of the road strung out on crack, deep into a life of drugs, alcohol, and sex, and down the road drives this limousine. Out steps the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He actually gets out of His luxurious car, in His suit, and calls me to come get into His car with Him. Instead of taking His friendly offer, I actually swear at Him and start running down the street through crowds of people. Instead of getting back in His limo and driving off, He actually starts chasing me down the street, and calling after me and telling me how much He loves me and cares about me. How He wants to take me back to His house and get me out of my current situation. He wants to give to me a superior pleasure and joy, instead of the counterfeits I had been pursing. When I finally slowed to a stop, and allowed Him to come and pick me up off the ground and carry me back to His fancy limo, He started whispering to me that I was so worth the whole ordeal. That He enjoyed the process of the cross because I was now in His arms. Every whip and stripe on His back He enjoyed because He was here holding me now. Even though I was filthy as dirt, He desired to take me from that place and start taking me through a process of washing me clean.

I am the beloved Bride of Christ. I am a promised Son of God. My righteousness is as filthy rags if I do it in my own strength and strivings. It is by grace, and grace alone that I have been made beautiful. That He can look at me and say, “I want you,” is truly a miracle in and of itself. The God that all the 24 elders, and angels, and 4 living creatures have been able to do for all of eternity past has been cry out day and night never sleeping, “Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty, who was and is, and is to come!” The miracle of God grace towards me is truly a mystery to my mind. But one thing that I do know, and rejoice in, is that He loves me with the same amount of love that He loves His Son. That the infinite amount of love that He can pour out, He pours it out on me. This notion has been thrilling my heart for the past months, and I think I’ll go right on allowing in to guide my heart into a new dimension of love for myself, and others.

That’s all I got.

Be Blessed,


Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Life of.......Me.

So their’s been a bit of craziness here in KC over the last couple weeks. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten a chance to give an update to what I’ve been up to. So here’s life as of lately.

Life as a “Fire in the Night” intern here at the International House of Prayer-Kansas City (IHOP-KC) has been, well, to say the least interesting lately. I guess you get what you ask for. For the last 10 years IHOP-KC has continued in 24 hour prayer day and night. One of their main prayer focuses has been revival in the city. It is truly an amazing feat in itself to run a 24 hour prayer room, but to actually have it going for the past 10 years and actually growing at an extraordinary rate. When the ‘Prayer Room’ first opened 24 hours there was on average from what I hear about 2-4 people in there through the night. There is now consistently about 200 people praying through the night for revival and other topics. The Lord has given a portion of His Spirit here the past month. November 11th the Holy Spirit broke in powerfully in a classroom setting in IHOPU, which lead to 15 hours straight of intense deliverance's and healing’s of emotional and physical needs. For about 10 days straight these meetings continued nightly from 6 p.m. to midnight. Which as an intern, I was required to be at all of them except for on my sabbath, which was AWESOME! The hard thing about an outpouring of this sort, is that it leaves you extremely exhausted each day. Nightwatch is tough as well because we would go to the meetings, get done, eat lunch, and then go to the prayer room from midnight to 6 a.m. So it just made for a very tiring couple weeks. There is still a very strong presence of the Spirit moving and the IHOP leadership team has decided to go ahead and keep the meetings going 4 nights a week. Wednesday through Saturday night from 6 p.m. till midnight they are still having what they call “Awakening Service.” Then on Sunday night they have a regular church service with extended ministry time. The services so far have seemed to kind of reflect on what the Spirit has done in the past week and give direction for a stewarding of the Lord’s presence. So my schedule as an intern has gotten a little more crazy. As busy as it was before, it’s busier yet! But it is so worth it. There has been so much taking place in my heart, and God’s been speaking some things about this upcoming year that are exciting.

In the midst of all the business it was a gift of the Lord that I was able to go home for a couple days and spend Thanksgiving with the family =) Which was as expected, a really fun time! Me and my roommate Caleb drove Wednesday 11 a.m. through the day and got into Michigan Wednesday night 2:30 a.m. The only person in my family that knew I was coming was the father, to confirm it was all good with the roommate coming and all. So the surprise was a success and nice to bring a little joy into my families hearts, and mine too =) Although it was a quick trip there was much accomplished, including our yearly tradition of going Christmas tree hunting! Which this year had a little bit of a spin on it, as it was in the dark! We had to leave Friday night to be back for the Awakening service on Saturday evening. And we had to sleep somewhere during that mix, so it made for a long day. We got back into KC at about 11 a.m. Saturday morning, got a few hours of sleep before heading back into the craziness!!!

I’m excited to be finishing up this season of the internship life, and moving back into a normal schedule (which will include being on days again!). I’ll be moving back into the house which I was in over the summer with Kris Edler, Jay Caple, Joshua Mills, and I think a guy from the OneThing internship named Micah. So it will be a house-full, but I will have my own room once again, for the 2nd time in my life!!!

In January I will start school at the Forerunner Music Academy (FMA) as a 2nd semester Freshmen. FMA is within the International House of Prayer University (IHOPU) college programs. I’ll be aiming to work through the Worship Leading track, which is a 4 year program. So it’ll be moving out of one season and an ushering into a new one as 2009 ends. I can’t believe how fast it’s come and gone!

I’ll be going home for a quick week after the internship to spend Christmas with me family, and my Grandma Colleen and Grandpa Jon. I’m excited to spend time with family. Then after spend the week with them they are coming down to Kansas City for the OneThing 2009 conference! So they’ll be here the 27th and leave the morning of the 31st up to Minnesota where they’ll be visiting my Father’s family. I’m planning on jumping on board with them up there, I’m just not quite sure how I’ll be getting back to KC yet. There might be a bus involved, which I’m not so excited about. Nevertheless, the things we do for family time.

After all that Holiday’s funness it’s back to the grindstone and starting school for me. Can’t wait =)

Be Blessed!


Friday, November 13, 2009


I really feel like the Lord has impressed it upon my heart to be one that walks on the paths through the wilderness. To be one that lives by few words spoken, and more seeking. That my power and anointing is not going to come like a rushing wind, or some crazy manifest spirit. But I’m to be a faithful servant of a burning lamp, that keeps the fire burning by cultivating oil time and time again. Though periodically there may be times of great fillings, it will come through the mundane faithfulness in serving, as in serving Christ. The Lord privileged me to be raised in a way where I don’t need the crazy break throughs, but simply always trusting Him! That my Faith and Power is a slow rolling snowball affect. Though I am moving slow, I am continuing to press on with endurance gaining more volume, more mass as I roll

The place of surrender, obedience, and wilderness. The road, and most of the time path, of humility, traveled by few, mostly overgrown, hard to recognize. But with my sword I break and cut every vine that stands in the way, and keep pressing on! I probably won’t see many companions along the way, but there is one that sticks closer than a brother, with Him I will walk, with Him I will travel, lead me on this journey Lord. I commit to walk this path.

This leading to the wilderness that I’ve been feeling over the last few weeks I believe is directly related with the way I will be using my tongue. As 2009 has been a year of prayer for me, I believe 2010 holds a journey of learning to be a man of few words, and a man born in the wilderness. To live in such a way where I take the secrets that the Lord whispers to my heart, and pray and meditate on them in that wilderness of silence. In this way to start letting these things become kindling fires in my spirit, that would grow to be bonfires of passion for the Lord as I cultivate them and savor their taste in my inner man. More than anything this season of my life may be a chastening and disciplining, but I know that the Lord disciplines those He loves. Though it may be painful at the moment that it will go on to produce a harvest of righteousness and peace. This only increases my assurance that I am a son of the most high, for what father that loves his children does not discipline them. In the same way I am a son whom my Father loves, therefore will be disciplined and loved much, that I might love much.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Awakened to Love

How fast this past week has flown by. I can’t believe that I’m back in Kansas City already getting back into the groove of Nightwatch and Fire in the Night mode. What a privilege it was to be able to spend the past week in Atlanta, Georgia with some of my favorite people. I went expecting to spend some good quality time with Mark, April, and her family, and God really just blew my expectations to bits and as always relpaced them with something more than I could have imagined. Upon arrival into the Atlanta airport Mark was not able to pick me up from the airport because he had actually just accepted a job doing some carpentry work, so the first day I was there he had to go into work till about 3 in the afternoon. Which was ok, because this meant I got to meet “Momma” and spend a little time getting to know her. Immediately we connected well and I found my 2nd mother =) It was so encouraging to talk with her, and hear what the Lord had done in her life up to this point. It’s always so awesome to hear what the Lord is doing all around the world and even just here within the states. The whole point of this trip to begin with was to be able to get down there and spend some time with Mark and finally get to meet April and her family. It’s been such a blessing to watch this relationship unfold between Mark and April as their focal point together has been the Lord since I have had the privilege of being apart of the process. What has been so encouraging to me personally is that this is the type of dating relationship that I have always had pictured in my mind, but have never witnessed it actually take place first hand. It’s been an answer to prayer to just know that dating can be done in a Godly manner that in the end both the guy and girl in the relationship are fully focused on what the Lord is doing in their life, but also in life of the person they are dating. So it’s been comforting to know there is hope for me in the years to come. I’ve never dated, but the Lord is starting to reveal to me the beauty of process, and how He feels about the seriousness of it. That ultimately the first girl I ask to start “getting to know” will actually in essences be the daughter of the creator of the universe! So I know that if He says He wants His daughter home by 9, I know He means it. I look forward to the days of creating my own history in the Lord with my future wife and creating memories of the Lords faithfulness in our lives together. I think the Lord has awakened my heart to love, only because He’s awakened my love for Him. I am starting to understand His love for me, I am understand that it’s ok to love myself, and now I am able to start to love others. I can’t give love out of love I don’t know myself. Today I was reminded of one of my favorite verses in the Bible, “I am my Beloved’s, and His desire is for me.” Song of Solomon 7:10 That Jesus truly desires me, everything about me. My weakness, my unfaithfulness, my insecurities, my quirky doings, and my weak weak love. He desires it all! I think we could all use a new revelation of the Lords love for us. I know I could!

Strength & Honor,

Grace & Peace.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009


It’s been seeming like lately that just when I get to a point when I feel like I might have my emotional make up under control, and think I might have an idea with where I’m headed in this life, I get some new revelation or break through and go broken and tenderly back to the Father and ask Him what He is thinking. It’s a continual process of learning that I’m wrong 100% of the time, and He truly knows what is best for me, and I, am just a little simple minded man that He chose to create and work through. Why God chooses to use me, I never will know. But I guess that is a testimony of Grace in and of itself. The tender, loving, compassionate God that we serve, has blessed us so abundantly to associate with us, but not only talk to us, but actually call us sons and daughters. That after seeing all the yuck, filth, and slime, He says, “Yeah, I desire you, and I know the way that leads to righteousness and holiness!” I’m currently in the school of humility, you might ask, “How’s that going for you?” I would say, “Um, it’s humbling.” Even in the context of letting the Lord use me and being a tool, I still so often stop, stare, and wonder, “Lord, why me?” I’m so stinkn’ messed up!

I think for a long time I have known it in my heart, but just in the last week ish, the Lord has been revealing a path for me to follow. A new concept of relationships, life experiences, and decisions that I will make in the upcoming years. I feel so strongly that the Lord has called me to the wilderness place. To walk down a path that is travelled by few. My first impressions of this place was denial, I truly didn’t desire it at all! But having a couple different occasions of letting the Lord describe it to me, I have come to a decision that I will take the path, but there is much uncertainty as to what this path will hold for me. I think more than anything I’m tired of a journey filled with biographies, books, articles, conversations, and lectures on this God I supposedly love. I’m tired of getting to know about Him, I want to actually meet with the God/Man that I hear all these amazing things about. It’s time we established a long lasting relationship. I want to get to know Him by asking Him questions about His heart. I want to be walking with Him on this path through the woods when suddenly a tree almost falls on me and ask what His opinion will be in that situation to escape.

Ok, there’s a whole bunch of random people in the prayer room tonight and it’s been distracting me all night. I’m gonna go ask the creator of the universe what’s on His heart. =)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Track 2 Continued...

So it’s been almost two weeks now that I’ve been back in the swing of internship life. How do I feel about that, I’m not quite sure. I love the fact that I’m in a community setting again regularly interacting with people my age that are striving for the Lord at the same level of intensity that I am, so that’s been refreshing. Although today I remembered once again the part of internship I’m not such a huge fan of. Which is getting blasted in the face with more than enough information that you and your mother can handle!!! There might be one subject that that the Lord is impressing on your heart, and I’ll spend time on that subject in the prayer room for a while, then after attending a week of your different classes, you get smacked in the face by about 8 different topics and you have to go into the prayer room and decide which one you are going to give all your attention and focus on. Tonight for example we went to the Sunday evening service as usual, and it was about giving extravagantly, which was really good. The only problem was, I really wanted to respond to the message and spend some time in the moment with the Lord talking about it, but I had to run out the doors get on a shuttle and go to my next 2 hour class! Not complaining or anything, but it seems like we have so much in our schedules that you really don’t have enough time in a day to process it all. I absolutely love the program, I just wish they have made more time for us beside the prayer room to search out some of these subjects that have been exposed to us.

So, it’s been nice to get to know my roommates a little bit better over the last couple weeks, spending time with them here and there. As one of my roommates blogged what his first impressions of us as roommates were, I felt compelled to do the same. For their sake. =)

So there’s JD, my immediate roommate, whom I met first out of all the roomies. After getting to know him a bit more and more, I’ve found him quite humorous, musical, fashionable, and outdoorsy, being he himself is from Alaska. It’s refreshing to watch as he has dived right into all that could be offered here at IHOP. I can already see the Lord starting to get ahold of his heart and encounter him. So AWESOME! He reminds me of family a little bit because of his taste in humor is similar to that of me families.

Jack is another immediate roommate, he came a few days late in the track, but it’s been a pleasure to have him in my room as well. He is from Detroit, so not very far from my homecoming habitation. Jack recently found the Lord and has been on a radical journey of discovering his identity in the Lord and placing all value and trust in the Lord. It’s been so encouraging to watch his newly converted zeal as he goes for the Lord with everything he’s got!!!! I’m excited to see what the Lord continues to do in him and through him, as I believe he will be a powerful tool for the kingdom!

Caleb Pettus, oh Caleb. Or should we say “Captain Dread Beard!” I knew Caleb from track 1, he is the only other track 2 guy in our apartment. It’s been fun to reminisce about the old days of track 1. It’s been neat as well just to have someone around that I’ve known from the past days. We’ve made trips to Holt’s donut shop already, and I’m sure there will be many more to come as the track continues on. He has already had a few words from a couple different people telling him to be expectant of his healing. Caleb is a Hemophiliac, which makes playing guts extremely difficult. =)

David Vaught is an Arkansas boy. From day 1 I found him to be Mr. Fix-It man. There have been numerous appliances in the apartment that were not functioning properly we when moved in, and he has taken the liberty to fix them. Amazing! Wish my brains worked that way. It’s been neat to watch him find a groove that works for him here at IHOP. I can tell he has a very hungry spirit, and is growing spiritually at a extremely fast rate. I don’t think he realizes how much is going on in him. Or maybe he does and the Lord is doing His magic on him.

David Rich, another native Michigander. He is officially the youngest in the group at 17. It’s nice not being the baby anymore. We pick on him often, but he seems to be able to handle himself fairly well. Out of all the roommates David Rich seems to be the guy that I’ve connected with the best. We have quite a few similarities in upbringings as well as interests. It’s been fun to get to know him little by little. Even though he reminds me in a great deal of them preppy Grand Blanc boys, he has broken a lot of my presumptions that I made of him, based on a first impression. We crack each other up on a regular basis, but also have had a few real good heart to hearts. He’s got a tender heart that really desires to find the Lord during this time here at IHOP. I’m trying to convince him already to stay for track 2 right off the bat so he doesn’t have to do what I did and go through the agony of getting back into the routine. I’m excited to see what Jesus drops in his heart!

That was alot of personal profiling.

Well, I did a photoshoot the other day for some friends of mine, so I’ll have those pics posted soon enough. It’s just hard to get consistent enough internet, and time enough to post pictures around here. I am pleased how they came out, and look forward to doing some more shoots for different people!

Only 8 days till I get down to the dirty south!

Strength and Honor,

Grace and Peace.


Friday, October 2, 2009

Peanut Butter Knuckles

How do I explain it? It’s like dipping your apple in Jiff peanut butter, scooping out a nice glob of tasty goodness you come to a realization that you got peanut butter all over your knuckles. Kind of good, kinda stinks that you just got gobs oil all over your hand. My time in the second track so far has been good, but difficult to get through this first week of orientation and those such things. Tonight being my first night back in the Prayer Room for 6 hours it’s been nice to once again sit before the Lord and let Him captivate my heart. Unfortunately the first meeting as a corporate track that we had I left my Bible in the classroom, one of the core leaders later told me she saw it on the floor so she put on a chair for me to grab later that evening when we were back in that room. Well, another group came through in those couple hours and someone picked it up. So most unfortunately I haven’t had my Bible the last couple nights. I mean, I have one of my Bibles, but not the one I’ve been studying out of the last few months, so that has been kind of frustrating. The rooming arrangements have really been quite a pleasant surprise. We have a convenient apartment size of only 5 guys. It’s me and one other guy in my room, and the remaining 3 guys are sharing the bigger room of the apartment. It’s me, JD (from Anchorage Alaska), David Vaught (from Little Rock Arkansas), David Rich (from Traverse City Michigan), and Caleb Pettus (from Flowerance Alabama). Truly we have a great group of guys as it’s been evident even the first couple days that we are all here to encounter the Lord and go deep in the Knowledge of God! So it’s been really exciting as a small group of guys to get excited about the things of the Lord together. Today we took a little time as we were all sitting int the living room together to do some, “Soaking time with Jesus.” It was so refreshing to spend sometime outside of the prayer room inviting the Holy Spirit and just communing with the Lord. IT WAS AWESOME! When we got done I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I was going to get from the other guys, if they just we gonna think I was weird and really spiritual, or it was going to be something that we as an apartment were going to start enjoying together on a regular basis. And it was refreshing to hear from all of them that they really enjoyed it! I have set my heart to really encounter the Father heart of the Lord this track, and really to become more sensitive to His thoughts and feelings towards His people. I want our friendship to be a normal occurrence and not a draw out awkward silence. I know this next 3 months is going to go by in a flash and I want to really be purposeful with all of my extra time and how I spend it. I know there will be a tendency for me to want to draw back at times because of the rigorous schedule, but when else will I be able to take a consecrated 3 month sabbatical like this? Let’s just push hard for 3 months straight and then when I’m done take time to think about all the tiredness I just experienced! So, it’s my desire to start drinking Living Water and to thirst no more. To serve and love the way Jesus loved! I desire all that the Lord would entrust to me in this next season!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Track 2

Yeahp, so I start Fire in the Night Track 2 today! Which means a few things. For starters my schedule just got a whole lot busier! Also means I am moving back over to Hernhut Apartments this afternoon. I've definitely enjoyed the last 3 months that I've lived at Kris's house, and I'm really torn about moving out. I realized that for the first time in my life I had my own room! There was one other time that I had my own room, but it was only for like 3 months, and I was only like 12 so that doesn't really count. The last 3 months really have been a treat. Besides having my own space, having the privilege of inviting people over to hang out in a great backyard was really great as well. Cooking my own meals wasn't so bad once I started venturing into the world of cooking. (Props to Kris as he really motivated me to try with all the great meals he cooked for me!) Along with moving to Hernhut that means a new address so, for the next 3 months you can mail me stuff at...

Isaac Smith
3517 Red Bridge Rd.
Kansas City, MO 64137

So ya, ya know. Just send all em' sweet packages my way =) Despite all the restrictions that come with the internship, I am really excited to see what the Lord is going to do in these next 3 months. I have prepared my heart for any change the Lord would prompt me in. I want to be soft clay that can be molded and shaped however the Lord would choose to use me.

For victory is seen in the Beholder, and Beholding is Becoming.

Strength & Honor,
Grace & Peace.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Writing Remedy

My heart is longing for the wholeness of the Beauty I behold.
There is a strange amount of contentedness that I feel in this
deep echoing cry for more.
It is almost as if there is a mutual agreement between the cry
for more and this contentedness.
I will go, I will follow. I know that I will, but there is a
opposite will in the forefront of the battlefield that wishes to stand
directly between me and my desire for Righteousness.
It must be moved, it will be moved!
But not by my strength. There is one who whispers the thunder and
lightening. This one that speaks and calms my heart like stilled waters.
I must speak to Him, Yes, I must partner with Him!
I foresee a great battle within my heart, a stake will be driven,
a decree will go out.
To love Righteousness and hate wickedness.
I must sharpen my sword, raise my shield, take up the breastplate
of Righteousness, put on my helmet of Salvation, with swiftness take steps
of peace, and most surely fasten the belt of truth, as it is truth
that will guide my path.
I wait in the quiet for orders to ring out.
Wisdom must be my guide as I engage. There must be tactfulness
and strategy in my attack!
But I will fight with a different zeal.
May my Faith and Hope shoot straight arrows, and may their tips
pierce deep, despair and uncertainty.
May my Love go forth as a penetrating blow to Hate, Slander, and Lust.
So, I take up my cross and I die to myself. For I live to a
Higher Calling!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Life as of Lately

Wow, it's September 17th. That was fast! It's been so nice to be back in the swing of things on NightWatch here at IHOP. Despite the long hours of the week, I really do enjoy having a schedule. I have another 2 weeks of a nice free schedule, and then I will be starting the "Fire in the Night" track 2 internship. Which will be a fast intense 3 month season of my life. As the first track was really good, I am excited to see what God will be doing in me during this next track. It will be good to be in a cooperate setting once again, running together with people my age for the deeper things of God!

Let me just say I have thoroughly enjoyed the two months time that I have been able to spend living with a buddy of mine. The joy's of having your own space has really captured my heart. Being in an apartment is one thing, but sharing a house is totally different! I've enjoyed so much everything that comes with a house. Chores yes, but even more than that, a nice backyard that is really peaceful. A nice big family room, a very elegant dinning room. My own bathing facilities, a fully equipped kitchen (BYOF - Bring your own Food) of course, but I have actually started venturing out into the art of cooking! Yes, I am going to miss my house life very much as I will be moving back into Hernhut apartments in a couple weeks.

So my getting a drivers license has been a great ordeal in itself. I wish it was like it was in the old days when you'd just get in a car with some old guy, drive around for about an hour, make sure you could parallel park, then give you a license on the spot. Nope, gotta take a written test, get your permit (which I now have), wait a month, then take a road test and hope to goodness you don't get some old wretch that critiques every little thing you do, so you might pass! I'm hoping by Christmas to be able to make a trip home and finish the whole process! Then we ask Jesus for a Nissan Xterra!!!! So, just let me know if any of yuns got a car that you wanna give me, you'd be surprised what I'd settle for =)

iLife 09' has transformed my life for photo and video editing. I love it. If you're a Mac user and don't own it. Get a couple people that also have a Mac and don't have it, and order the family pack and pay $25 each for it. IT'S WORTH IT!!! Now if I can find someone that doesn't have Snow Leopard yet....hmmmmmmm

Grace and Peace,
Strength and Honor.


Sunday, September 6, 2009

Note to self, God has not forgotten me!!!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Here I Am Again

The speed at which this summer has passed me by is really quite amazing. It's now September 2nd and I feel like it was June just the other day. I spent the last month touring the country with my family, and creating some memories that will last me the rest of my life! Never again will I travel 6121 miles in a van with 7 other family members! I just don't think that should be forced upon anyone in a lifetime. EVER! But again, there are some things that I will NEVER forget! After spending the first 2 and a half weeks on the road camping, driving, and sight seeing, we finally got back to Michigan, where I spent a little less then 2 weeks spending more time with family, (as if I hadn't gotten enough family time) but it was good. Throughout the trip as a whole it was definitely really hard to not be able to spend as much time as I had been in prayer and the Word. Very quickly after leaving Kansas City to start the trip did I miss spending the nights in prayer, and waking up in the morning to worship music and spending some time in the Word. So after a month of vacationing, I was really really ready to return to IHOP. Even though I have lived in KC for only a grand total of about 5 months now, I really feel like this has become my home. It just seems like the Lord has had me leave my father and mother's home for a reason. To establish and declare myself as a House of God! Really, God has orchestrated it all! Upon getting here and creating many new friendships and connections that have surrounded me and encouraged me along the way, this really has created an atmosphere new beginnings along with new family. There is an unmistakable feeling about being exactly where you know God wants you to be that really is the most amazing feeling in the world! Out of anywhere I could have been this fall, I'm here in Kansas City, and it now really feels like home. Something that really added to the whole detachment from Flint connections as home was my family moving to a new house. It's kind of a different feeling when you go back "Home" and you no longer have a room, you no longer have a bed, you get either a futon, or a pull out bed. It was nice to be there in a secure environment with people that have known me for my whole life, but, it was different this time. It felt more like visiting, then visiting home. I stopped in Chicago and saw a couple people as I was making my way back to Kansas City and really enjoyed meeting a few new friends there as well. But even in the one day delay felt like such a long time after being away from KC for so long. Needless to say I my heart was so happy when we departed with intentions of driving through back to KC. In the last 10 miles of getting back to my house, with the surroundings that became more and more familiar, my heart was so lifting with every mile we traveled! Such a peace about being back in the place that I knew I was supposed to be at. To get back into a routine of seeing the face of God in scripture, and encountering His personality in Prayer. Even now sitting here in the Prayer Room at 3 a.m there is a deep longing of my soul that is crying out for more. Each moment, each song that is sung, each prayer that is lifted, every person that engages in corporate prayer, feeds this deep longing for communion with God. And my heart says, "It's Gooooooooood!" In other news I've been training like some might say, a dog, for different road races of sorts. When I was in Michigan I ran in a 10 mile race called the Crim, and I guess it was shortly after running that race that I decided being in shape felt good, so I decided to keep that streak going. So I'll be running in the Helen Gold 10K next Saturday. I'm not sure what to say about this sudden spurt of running training, because I've never really been one that enjoys running, especially anything over the length of a soccer field. But I really have found a joy in training and spending quiet time with the Lord during these runs. I mean, 45 minutes with just me, God, and some worship music, that's rare in any case these days. So I guess you could say I'm running with the purpose of God in mind. I'm thinking I'll be doing a half-marathon of some sort this fall, the problem is they are so stinkn' expensive, and I'm really playing with the idea of doing a full marathon in the spring sometime?! I'd say now is the time to do it, before I get all out of shape and get a gut that is. Plus, not to many people just get to say, "I've run a Marathon have you?" =) J/K But still, the challenge has been reason enough in my brain to at least do one in my lifetime! Well, that is in brief what has been taking place the last few days of my life. I haven't done such a great job keeping this thing up to date lately, but I look to get better at this as I get back into a routine schedule! So until next time...

Strength & Honor.
Grace & Peace.


Sunday, June 28, 2009


I've been dreading this day for quite some time now, the very thought I have had to continually suppress for the last month of the internship.  But the thing about time is it never stops passing us by, and it never waits for us.  A reflection of so many good memories fly through my mind, how I really wish that they wouldn't have to be past memories, but ones that will continue on for months and months to come.  Upon coming to IHOP for this internship I was praying that the Lord would bless me with a brother in Christ.  How very important I knew it was going to be for me to connect with someone on a daily basis as I pressed in on this race.  To have a training partner.  Someone who would provoke me in many aspects of my walk with Christ.  How the Lord blew my mind when I met Mark.  I seriously could not believe how in so many areas the Lord heard my cry and answered my prayer so specifically!  I've written quite a few times in the past about how me and Mark have interacted as brothers, but truly, this man is family!  As I watch him pursue the Lord, my own faith is provoked to pursue perfection.  (Matthew 5:48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect.)  This pursuit, is so vital to our survival as maturing believers.  I've never been in love, but I think I am now truly coming to a true understanding as to what it means to "be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honor one another above yourselves." Romans 12:10 My heart pains for the things Marks heart breaks over.  I want to able to be that older brother (even though I'm younger) and shelter protection over him from the enemies attacks!  To fight in a warfare of prayer over my brothers soul!  As painful as this will be for him to leave today, I know that the Lord is doing great and marvelous things in his heart.  The Lord's ultimate plan and purpose be carried out.  What a true blessing this short 3 months has been.  To terry and fight in night and day prayer together!  To persevere through spiritual attacks, and to run this race as hard and best we know how.  Mark, you are a man of God, and you are after the Lord's intentions.  Continue to walk in the power the God has bestowed upon you.  You will be a warrior of justice for the widow and orphan.  So, "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26  Love you brother.

Strength & Honor,
Grace & Peace,
in all you do.


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Crazy Busy

Wow!  Just like that a month has flown by...So much has happened in last month!  I have to say I've had a lack of motivation to write lately with how tired I have been, was sick for a couple weeks in between all my travels so that didn't help the situation much.  Shortly after my last post I took a quick trip home to walk across the stage and grab my diploma!  Totally a overrated experience if you ask me.  All the whoop and holler about the cap and gown turned out to be sitting in the audience frying under a piece of cheap material shaped in a dress.  So not only do you get to look like an idiot for the couple hours, but you sweat like a mad man as well!  I never believed anyone when they said that, "You will have a motivational speaker that you will never remember anything they say..." until I sat and listened to how truly boring our "Go be free" speech was.  So despite all the boring aspects of the ceremonies, it really was worth it to see some familiar faces one last time before everyone went their separate ways all across the world.  I have to say the most enjoyable part about the whole trip was spending some good quality time with my family.  Indeed I wish it could have been longer than the 3 days we got to spend together, but I guess, "That's the way the cookie crumbles" this time.

After returning to Kansas City after that quick trip home, I had a full 6 days to recover before flying out to Phoenix AZ for a kids camp that I was a counselor for.  The way the camp works is, there is a selection process where 80-90 kids are selected to be scholarshiped for this 5 day camp in the mountains of Dolores Colorado!  Easily one of the most beautiful places I have every visited!

This being my second year participating in the camp, it was all that I remembered from last year and more!  The power of the Lord working on the hearts of these young people, it was AWESOME to watch!  One of the other aspects of the camp that I went with much anticipation was to see what the Lord was going to do in the hearts of the different counselors going!  Last year there wasn't a night that went by that the Lord showed up in a powerful way.  It was so encouraging to me being able to be there and go through the experience of it once again, the Lord had laid it so heavily on my heart to be praying and interceding for these kids and counselors before the camp even started, and to see the way He powerfully encountered their hearts, it was so worth it!  

I think that as long as I am able to haul my butt out to Phoenix for a week long every summer I will be helping with this ministry as long as they will have me!  Not only to watch the transformation that takes place in others lives, but how much it edifies my own.  Building relationships with these kids each year, and to watch how they have developed over the year is incredible!

Now finally back in Kansas City the month has flown by and I'm looking at a whole 6 days left in the Fire in the Night internship!!!  I am facing some large questions regarding my future once again.  I am excited to see what the Lord has for me in this next coming season in my life.  I'm open to anything the Lord would bring my way.  Where ever He will have me go, I am looking forward to following obediently!!!

Strength & Honor,
Grace & Peace.


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Encounter: Part 1

 1 I am a rose of Sharon, 
      a lily of the valleys.
     2 Like a lily among thorns, 
      So is my love among the daughters.
3 Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods, 
      So is my beloved among the sons. 
      I sat down in his shade with great delight, 
      And his fruit was sweet to my taste.
    4 He brought me to the banqueting house, 
      And his banner over me was love. 
    5 Sustain me with cakes of raisins, 
      Refresh me with apples, 
      For I am lovesick. 
    6 His left hand is under my head, 
      And his right hand embraces me. 
    7 I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, 
      By the gazelles or by the does of the field, 
      Do not stir up nor awaken love 
      Until it pleases.

So the last couple weeks it has been almost comical to me as I have been able to literally find myself in the scriptures.  If you have ever done this, it's quite amusing.  It's just like, "Hey, if I would known you were where I was at 3 days ago I would have never have..." well you get the point.  Song of Songs really has been like a roadmap to me since my time here at IHOP, and I think it is something that everyone should take the time to study.  Really the song has become one of my good friends, it's like, "Oh, you feel like crap today, let's see what Mr. Song has to say about that.  Or, you don't feel like Jesus likes you, oh, what does 4 verse 1 say again?  Behold you are fair, what?"  Really, there is some good stuff in there, you just gotta look at the song rightly to get it.

Upon arriving here I was definitely in these first 7 verses of chapter 2.  Chapter 2 verses 1-7 speak of the bride's identity and life purpose.  As I studied these verses closer, they grabbed my heart in a way that I have never experienced before.  Mike Bickle's notes give a great outline of what each verse means, and even some of the nitty gritty details of some of the vernacular used.  But what was so good to me was the fact of finding my value and identity in Jesus.  That my efforts and work in this life mean nothing compared to what I have in Christ.  The concept of being lovesick for Jesus finally became a reality after observing these verses.

Verses 1-2 are talking about our identity and life purpose being, being Jesus' inheritance.  The bride is pictured as a beautiful rose and a pure lily whose primary life purpose and identity is found in seeking to fully love (rose) and obey (lily) Jesus.  In verse 2 Jesus is describing the woman as a lily (obedient) in the midst of sin, and trials.  We are the rose and lily whose love and obedience arises as fragrance that intoxicates Jesus' heart.  We are the only prize that Jesus longs for.  I was made to obey Jesus as His promised inheritance, and in doing this I bring joy to the heart of Jesus.  When you start to understand the Jesus has an inheritance waiting for Him at the end of the age, and it's you, it's a fearful feeling, but at the same time glorious!  Because it's not like Jesus is disappointed!  He is so excited to receive us as His!  "Our primary identity is not what we do with our hands but what we pursue with our hearts."

In 2:3a "Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods, so is my beloved among the sons." It is talking about how Jesus alone can satisfy our hearts.  There is only one who refreshes the human spirit at the highest level.  When we receive the revelation of Jesus as an apple tree or as the primary source that satisfies our heart, then we seek Him with all our heart.

Verses 2:3b-4 is enjoying the presence of Jesus.  "I sat down in his shade with great delight, And his fruit was sweet to my taste 4 He brought me to the banqueting house, And his banner over me was love."  One of the greatest pleasures available to the human spirit comes as we feed on His Word and feel His presence.  The Word brings delight and is sweet to all who will continually feast on Jesus.  "We only enjoy the shade of God's Word by resting in the shade of Jesus' cross....We will never experience the delight and refreshing of Jesus as the apple tree without sitting long hours in the shade of the apple tree by feeding on His Word by the help of the Holy Spirit."

I love that in 2:4 that He displays His leadership over our lives by displaying a banner of love over us.  His leadership is perfect, wise, and good in every way.  What a great message to have spoken over us, that He is in control, and He knows just what we need when we need it.  "First, His banner over us is His lovingkindness (mercy). When we fail, the banner over our life is confidence in His mercy not the fear of being rejected by God.  We confess, "His banner over me is love even when I fail."  Second, His banner over us speaks of His ability to overrule the negative circumstances in our life by causing everything for our good (Romans 8:28)."  I love that!

Two verse five is really what messed me up last night.  As apples speak of the refreshing of Jesus, so the raisins speak of the ministry of the Spirit since they are died grapes.  Which grapes represent the wine of the Spirit.  "In other words, she cries, "Sustain me with more of the SPirit and refresh me with more of Jesus."'  But what really got me was the fact that we are called to live lovesick for God.  That when we walk in true communion with Jesus it causes such deep and even painful feeling of love and longing for more of Jesus.  "Lovesickness will not be satisfied with anything less than persevering.  These desperate hunger pains are proof that we have been touched by God."  After reading this, more than any other time in my life, I had a deep pain over loving Jesus.  But this left me so fulfilled it was the weirdest thing in the world!  My heart was experiencing Jesus in a way it never had before, which was very painful, but at the same time the most glorious feeling I have ever experienced!  It's almost like riding the most insane roller coaster, it drives this thrill of fear in us.  We genuinely have a fear of our life, but the pleasure of it is so good, we go back for more.

Quickly in 2:6 the left hand speaks of all the work that He is doing in our lives that we cannot see.  His right hand is the guidance and embrace that we know is working in our life.

And 2:7 finally makes sense to me now.  Do not arouse or awaken this love for Christ until you are ready for the trials that come with it!  When you truly seek after Jesus with all your heart, you better be ready because the true lovesickness you experience in your heart is truly painful.  But if you persevere and continue, it is truly worth every bit of it!

Strength & Honor,
Grace and Peace.


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

You Light up the Room

Something that has perplexed me since being here at IHOP, every night I am in the prayer room from midnight to 6 a.m, and since being here getting to know quite a few people here that I have gotten to know and have a pretty good relationship with, I always wondered why I would just get this lifted spirit when they would walk by while pacing, or I would see them in the hallway when I would get water.  Or by some random chance I end up sitting next to them through the whole night.  I always thought it was something weird, but it turns out that the familiarity of someone, and the safeness that we feel when being around someone we know, is just a natural reaction after spending hours on end engaging spiritually with a bunch of people that I haven't a clue about.

A few days ago it was about 4 a.m and I was just absolutely getting to a point of exhaustion from the day past, and didn't see how I was going to make it the last 2 hours of the night.  I was pacing up and down the aisle in the back pondering these thoughts when Mark walks in the door after coming back from the restroom and walk right by me.  In that moment there wasn't a person that I would have rather seen.  All of a sudden my spirits were lifted, I was energized, and ready to finish out the night.  I don't know what it was, but my spirit get like this shot of adrenaline after he walked by me.  Just having the simple thought in my head that, "Oh, I know you, I like you a lot, I know that you know, that you know what is going through my head and it gives me encouragement to know that you know this!"  Lou Engle said something in one of his sermons that has stuck with me, there's something about confessing your sins to one another, and helping each other by praying for one another, and then seeing him later outside of that environment and knowing that you are clean to the max!  Just knowing that Mark is human, and he has struggles, and I have struggles, yet we are both in this thing together, running sprinting, kicking, and crawling our way towards the intimacy of Jesus with every night we spend in the prayer room.

Sunday night we had our song of solomon class taught by Sada, which I always thoroughly enjoy.  She talked briefly about this feeling of seeing someone in the prayer room that we know and being encouraged by it, and it was just funny because it spoke directly to me.  Her point in sharing about this was that she had a tip for us.  The tip was that as we pace through the nights that we would be praying that Jesus, because a real man, that we would walk into Him.  That we would be just pacing back and forth and all of a sudden Jesus walks in the room and lifts our heart to a deeper desire to search after Him as He so intrigues us.  I loved this concept so last night and tonight I have been praying that I would encounter Jesus in a real way.  That He would speak to me when I go out to get some water, that he would walk by me as I pace reading His Word.  That as Mark lifts my heart when he walks by, so would Jesus enlarge my love for Him as He encounters me in some way, whatever it may be.

Even as I was writing this Mark walked by and seriously without even thinking there was just a, "Oh, I like that guy alot." Going on in my head.  I could actually feel a comfort in just seeing him.  I'm gonna go pray some more that Jesus would lift my heart in the same way.

Strength & Honor,
Grace & Peace.


Saturday, May 23, 2009

I WIll Waste My Life

Not to say that I didn't know what I was getting myself into when coming here to KC, I guess I didn't realize how much of my life would be consumed by this lifestyle. Obviously the internship life is a little more intense than if I were just attending the music school, but still! I was laying on my bed tonight relaxing for a half hour before coming to the prayer room, and I was listening to Misty Edwards song "I WIll Waste My Life." As I let the words of that song seep into my spirit I started to understand more and more the lifestyle in Christ we have been called to.

I will waste my life,
I'll be tested and tried.
With no regrets inside of me,
Just to find I'm at your feet,
Let me find I'm at your feet.

I leave my father's house, and
I leave my Mother.
I leave all I have known, and
I'll have no other.

For I am in love with you,
and there is no cost.
I am in love with you,
and there is no loss.
I am in love with you,
I want to take your name.
I am in love with you,
I want to cling to you, Jesus,
Just let me cling to you, Jesus.

I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, and I
Press on, yes I press on.
I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, and I press on, yes I press on.

For I am in love with you,
and there is no cost.
I am in love with you,
and there is no loss.
I am in love with you,
I want to take your name.
I am in love with you,
I want to cling to you, Jesus,
just let me cling to you, Jesus,
I want to cling to you...

Really this a pretty intense song to sing if you think about it.  But it really has been the song I've been singing the last 4 months of my life.  There is something about moving on to the calling of Yahweh in your life where nothing else matters.  You get to the point of surrendering all and saying, "Lord, I just want to be found faithful at the end of the age."  In this internship I have surrendered all my desires, laid down all the things that "Isaac wants to do" and said, "Lord, what do you have me in this season for?  What is your heart in this matter?"

I have been averaging about 6ish hours of sleep a night since I've been here, and that could be stretching it.  Going full blast class, prayer room hours, EGS services on the weekend, and random events scheduled in, six days a week will just wear a person out.  But it has been so worth it.  The last couple days I have been about ready to fall out tired.  Prayer room hours seem long, days seem longer, and everything just has been dragging.  But even through all of my complaining about how tired I am, and how I wish we didn't have to do this event so that I could sit down and think to myself for a minute, God has continued to reveal Himself in new ways.  It seems like in the moments that I am most tired, and the most worn out, when I choose to still open up the Word and study the emotions of God, is when He chooses to reveal the most about Himself.

So I have officially decided that living a lifestyle of being worn out, exhausted, going to bed at 7 a.m and waking up around 1 p.m everyday, all for the sake of getting to know Jesus better, isn't such a bad thing after all.  If it takes me to a place where I can get to know Jesus more intimately then it's worth it.

Having the option to waste my life on any one thing, I think that I have made the right decision in wasting it on Christ and getting a eternal reward over the reward of 8 hours of sleep a night.  It is completely worth it to me to walk around half asleep during the mid-afternoon hours of the day, so that I can be engaging in spiritual warfare through the nights to bring restoration to my own life, and shift things in the spiritual realms for others.  I am willing to answer the calling of Ezekiel 22:30 and stand in the gap for those that cannot fend for themselves.

So I say goodbye to comfortable living, I forsake all other lovers and turn to my beloved one Jesus.  I choose the pleasures of God over all the temporary pleasures of this world.  I choose, to waste my life on Christ!

Strength & Honor,
Grace & Peace.


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

New Season

Today I feel very strongly that I was ushered into a new season of my life. I feel like I found myself finally in the story of the Song of Solomon as I have been studying it so closely the last month. At some points I thought I would find myself in chapter 4:9 where Jesus is speaking words of life over me, and He truly was, but I don't think that is really where I am.

"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love." Song of Solomon 2:3-5

This is the stage that I feel like I have just left. Since being here in KC my answer has been, "Yes Lord, I want to come with you, I want to get to know you, I want to experience your love better than wine, (vs. 1:2) I want to encounter You!" The good news is that I really have grown so much in my relationship with my beloved. But a reality that really did hit me today is how immature in my love toward Him I am. I guess I always knew that, but today it hit me more than ever before. In verses 8-13 of chapter 2 the woman is seeing who this man Jesus really is. That He is no longer this calm relaxing guy that sits under the shade of the apple tree for all eternity. Sitting under the tree experiencing the love of Christ is good, but that is only a season. This speaks of the finished work of the cross that Jesus did for us. We can rest in His presence because of what He did for us, we can enjoy the pleasures of the Father because of His sacrifice. But we can't stay there. Jesus is now in seen leaping across the mountains, the trials in our life, and skipping on the hills. This is a pretty scary thought to the woman, and had been a pretty scary idea in my own head. Jesus was calling me and beckoning me to follow Him through and across the mountains. To arise and face the sin issues in my past. Which to a point I have done, but to totally conquer them there has been a small amount of me that has said, "Uhh, Lord, I love you, but I just can't jump over this one." In essence I was saying 2:16. "Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn, my lover, and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the rugged hills." Out of my immature love, without even realizing it, I was telling Jesus, I want to be with you where you are, but I just can't get there yet. Which is okay. I mean, it's something everyone has to face at one point or another. However there is a big difference between in immaturity saying turn, and in rebellion saying no. My saying no in immaturity is my lack of intimacy with Jesus therefore I still struggle with sin, but am striving to overcome it. A rebellious spirit is saying go ahead and go on without me, I'm just going to stay here because I am tired of trying to get past this issue in my life, and I think I'll just let this area in my life be, because it causes me to much pain to try and overcome it.

Well I finally realize that the last week I have been really experiencing the discipline of the Lord of chapter 3, verses 1-5. In my immaturity I told Jesus to go on without me, so he withdrew His presence from me to get my attention, to see how I would respond to the trial. My response the last week has been, "Why can't I feel your presence? Lord I don't know what You are doing right now, but I still want to get to know you even in this dry season, so I'm going to seek You out." Funny how I didn't just turn to Song of Songs 3:1-5 and realize what was going on. Of course it's always in hindsight that we see what's going on. Regardless, it was such an incredible feeling today to truly feel the presence of the Lord restored as I passed this trial. I began to see things in my heart that I didn't even know where there. A confidence to now want to follow after Jesus to go where He goes, to follow wherever He leads. To finish it off, tonight we were in our Sermon on the Mount class talking about getting to a place of 100% pursuit. How Jesus says, "Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your father in heaven is perfect." Calling us to that place of never getting satisfied with the place we find ourselves. If we are not in 100% pursuit then we are not found in the favor of His eyes. He still loves us, but he can't enjoy us and delight in us if we haven't surrendered every area of our life and given ourself to the pursuance of holiness. So it was so encouraging to know that I was being enjoyed by the Father as I had this past couple days really just devoted myself to laying everything area of my life down before Lord. I walked out of class feeling so enjoyed by the Father. How my heart lifted in joy, happiness, and a peace that was so comforting.

I believe that Jesus has started revealing himself to me now as He is in verses 6-11 in chapter 3. The "Safe Savior." He holds the keys to death and hell, and we are scared of what? We should fear the Lord alone, and forsake all other things for the pursuit of His holy name! My heart has been encouraged, and I am excited to be living before the eyes of my maker, as I have found myself in the scriptures.

Strength & Honor,
Grace & Peace.